A still small voice

being in Boston again after spending time in less urban intensive areas [the Oregon coast, Buffalo] has led me to believe that I will never become a true "city girl". though I have learned to adjust myself temporarily to this fast paced lifestyle streaming with noises of different brands, there is an authentic and reserved part of me that is always aching to escape to a solace from it all.
today I've successfully found a rather empty place to retreat, where I am only subject to hear the shuffling of my own body, and a "tink" or two (or a few) from other bodies yards away. there's also the humming of various appliances here, as well as the sound of thunder rumbling today, but they seem to offer decent company for now and I can't complain.
the subject of relationships (in terms of friendships as well as the assumed) has been on my mind lately. in a conversation yesterday I admitted that I believed my closest friends to be 1. Christ 2. books and 3. silence. a question that I've had for a long time now is if it's meant to be this way. when one seeks hard after Christ, to get to know Him better, to find out the things on His heart in order to love them too, to earnestly strive to live by His commands and life differently-unto holiness... when one chooses life this way, is she meant to feel so separate from everyone and everything else? even from other Christians who claim to follow the same God?
I used to feel various degrees of loneliness in the past, but the place I am at right now is somewhat unfamiliar. the feeling isn't the same. I don't struggle with a loneliness that can be quickly fixed by a room full of common acquaintances. I don't think-I wouldn't even call it loneliness anymore. what exactly is this [neukeem]? it's kind of like I'm in a mobile waiting room, and wherever I go I am in waiting. maybe it's waiting for the right friendship to come along that will be meeting the need of the deeper sense of connection that I harbor inside [phileo]. or maybe it's waiting for the relationship that I am intended to have in order to exercise [eros] and the [phileo]. it's not clear to me right now.

a beautiful thing though, is that I've already experienced [agape]. I praise God for the love that flows unceasingly between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit--and for the greatest honor in being [agape]d by Him.