Please, don't fade away

picked out an excerpt from the book A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY that I'm especially fond of:

"when someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time--the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes--when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever--there comes another day, and another specifically missing part."

Cheers to quick recovery(-ies)

my skin seems to be recovering. a morale booster. the apartment is surprisingly cooler than I anticipated. the shade is down so that the sun only streams in from the edges of the window, and the heat feels kinda nice. slight breeze from where I'm sitting. construction being done outside my building. rumbly and loud. wondering if it's common to enjoy drinking hot tea on a hot day. something about hot beverages adds some romance to life. hehe. decided to pull the reigns on my recklessness as of late, consumption wise (monetarily, food too). woke up at 6:30AM. rare. have lots of thoughts these days... will record later. time to get ready for class. :]

1:29PM edit. unorthodoxly sleepy. hardly kept my eyes open during class today. contemplating taking a nap here at the library. library is in some kind of funk these days due to the relocating of the computer lab. still sleepy. contemplating consumption of caffeine. to the left the window frames ripples of the Charles river. there must be a boat somewhere. found out that BU used to own the property all the way to the river, until the state of Massachusetts decided they wanted to construct Storrow dr. and took the rights to it or something. interesting bit of history about my school. wondering if this style of writing has turned away readers. I happen to enjoy the way it reads, like breaths. each breath containing another statement of expression (or documentation). 

Broken by lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort

It helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can start tomorrow

From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting

Though I still have my doubts

I am damaged at best

Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

with a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain

There is healing

In your name

I find meaning

So I'm holding on

I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning

You got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded

I'm an open book instead

and I still see your reflection

Inside of my eyes

That are looking for purpose

They're still looking for life

I'm hanging on another day

Just to see what you will throw my way

and I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway

left me here alone

I may have lost my way now

I haven't forgotten my way home

Emptying thoughts, pockets

have been living rather recklessly these days. I find myself handing over my debit card many times a day, and refuse to print receipt when taking out cash. wondering what is the cause of such behavior as of late. have an acute sense of my brokenness today. don't have much of a desire to speak or write, but thought it was important to make use of this outlet. started where I left off in a book by john irving called a prayer for owen meany. normally don't care much for fiction, but since I'm already 50 pages or so in I want to continue. hope to finish it soon. been juggling a number of books lately--can't seem to commit to just one.

Rebuke as medicine

was humbled today. realized that I had needed it. came to other very sobering realizations- such as the possibility that I was being a super-christian a-hole lately. sincere apologies to those who were affected... feeling even sorrier to my Lord.

The seasons for piano op. 37

...an enchanting piece of music

as I was listening to this piece by tchaikovsky today it took me a few moments to realize that my attraction to it has much to do with its incorporation into one of my favorite films. it appears in the korean movie "daisy" directed by andy lau, and (deep sigh) it fits so well.. if you haven't watch it yet--you must! that film is really a piece of art.

I used to think classical music was really boring. it's still kind of boring in large quantities, but I have come to appreciate it more-especially while studying. it's hard to listen to music while studying at times because there's the desire to sing along or focus on the lyrics--but when I'm listening to classical music it's not a problem. unless I'm listening to cello pieces, which totally distracts me, I can register classical music as background music...pleasant "noise" that may even be stimulating me to study well.. :)

Since when did journal entries need titles?

finished reading passion & purity by elisabeth elliot. learned some good lessons from that book regarding dating/relationships/marriage. though it struck me as a very traditional/conservative approach, most of it actually appealed to me very much. worth reading if you get a chance.

been sick for the past couple days--with the cold or something--kinda sucks. I also took a risk and tried out this product from sephora, 'supposedly' all natural and good for my skin type. wrong. ended up with an awful allergic reaction that I'm still recovering from. defaulting back to eucerin, aquaphor, shiseido, and green tea bags. coming out of this experience with much discomfort so it will take a while until I will be willing to try something new again.

troubles aside, life has been so full these days. on friday night I attended a bible study/small group and it was really good for me. sunday included an extra baptism service that was sooo beautiful :) God is goooooood. so good :]

Viva la vida

inspired by my western civ. class to know more about Napoleon. credit is likely due to the professor himself--prof. cliff backman--best professor I've ever had--and his teaching style. it's great. I've learned all sorts of quirky facts in that class. when it comes to the actual material, well, we'll see--quiz is next friday...but it seems as though I've retained much of that too. did you know that there were over 100,000 biographies already written about Napoleon only 10(?) years after he died?! craazy. prof backman says that N was a true genius and he enchanted many with his great charisma. I too am enchanted! instead of picking up one of the many biographies out there, I went to B&N today and bought WAR AND PEACE by tolstoy. its one of those titles that everyone hears about, but us lazy literary "midgets" fail to read due to it's great length (1110 pages). started it today. the story is about Napoleon's invasion into Russia. let you know if there's any keen insights I can snag from this classic.

Set free!

it's my first Independence day spent away from family (besides last year when I was in Kyrgyzstan), here in Boston. I've had a slew of different sentiments regarding this... but to put it all aside, I am going to choose to enjoy this day and to truly celebrate freedom :)

though I'm not watching fireworks at university of buffalo or attending bbq's flooded with church people, though I'll admit I'm a little bit on the lonely side today more so than other days, though there's a lot that has been on my mind and causing me to stress out... freedom is something beautiful and precious and worth celebrating with all your heart. it's a shame some people just see this day as some petty holiday that our nation makes a big deal about. can you not see that people fought hard and suffered greatly so that we can live freely? just like Christ. 

on this day, the day our our country's independence, I want to say "thank you" to everyone who made it happen... and to Jesus, who died to set us free from sin. I am freeee :) we are free

More peace

I must be as willing to remain as to go, for the presence of God determines the whereabouts of His people
-Jim Elliot

these words expanded my view of (right) decision making. took some time to think about it and came to agree. felt like a part of me reconciled the whole business of me wanting to leave BU (again) only to (again) decide to stay (if you don't know what I'm talking about don't worry about it).

thank You for that.

A still small voice

being in Boston again after spending time in less urban intensive areas [the Oregon coast, Buffalo] has led me to believe that I will never become a true "city girl". though I have learned to adjust myself temporarily to this fast paced lifestyle streaming with noises of different brands, there is an authentic and reserved part of me that is always aching to escape to a solace from it all.
today I've successfully found a rather empty place to retreat, where I am only subject to hear the shuffling of my own body, and a "tink" or two (or a few) from other bodies yards away. there's also the humming of various appliances here, as well as the sound of thunder rumbling today, but they seem to offer decent company for now and I can't complain.
the subject of relationships (in terms of friendships as well as the assumed) has been on my mind lately. in a conversation yesterday I admitted that I believed my closest friends to be 1. Christ 2. books and 3. silence. a question that I've had for a long time now is if it's meant to be this way. when one seeks hard after Christ, to get to know Him better, to find out the things on His heart in order to love them too, to earnestly strive to live by His commands and life differently-unto holiness... when one chooses life this way, is she meant to feel so separate from everyone and everything else? even from other Christians who claim to follow the same God?
I used to feel various degrees of loneliness in the past, but the place I am at right now is somewhat unfamiliar. the feeling isn't the same. I don't struggle with a loneliness that can be quickly fixed by a room full of common acquaintances. I don't think-I wouldn't even call it loneliness anymore. what exactly is this [neukeem]? it's kind of like I'm in a mobile waiting room, and wherever I go I am in waiting. maybe it's waiting for the right friendship to come along that will be meeting the need of the deeper sense of connection that I harbor inside [phileo]. or maybe it's waiting for the relationship that I am intended to have in order to exercise [eros] and the [phileo]. it's not clear to me right now.

a beautiful thing though, is that I've already experienced [agape]. I praise God for the love that flows unceasingly between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit--and for the greatest honor in being [agape]d by Him.