Revived

made several attempts to read courage & calling by gordon smith for a month or so now. after coming to a very certain point with God yesterday I recognize a feeling of refreshing about me. my mind is more than ready to consume the words in this book now... I've nearly forgotten this ecstasy rushing through my blood as a result of reading and learning truths that resonate so deeply. it is difficult to arrange my thoughts and put them to words for the most part... and so when I come across a thought that--essentially---takes the words right out of my mouth in a such a clear... and ..brilliant way...I find the greatest joy welling up inside.

We are not merely "channels" or "instruments in the hands of God." We are coworkers with God in the work of God in the world, knowledgeable and informed participants in that which matters to the Creator (2 Cor 5).

provided is the key to the questions I've been swimming in and clouded by. we've taken verses like "he must increase and i must decrease" and "we must be servants of all" in wrong ways, to some extent. at least i have. we're not meant to just be empty bodies walking around being replicas of Jesus'. yes there is an element of us imitating Christ, for sure. but we were made in Christ's image as humans and there is something to be said for that. if you're confused, don't take my word for it. read the book and wrestle with me.

The context of our humanity

is just what makes us effective as Christians.

exploring this idea as of late. yesterday was the first day of my lifetime that I actively chose not to attend a church service. so how was it? it was pretty fine. I perused through lovely and highly unaffordable articles at anthropologie on newbury st., treated my sleepiness with a small iced coffee, and leisurely roamed the sunny streets for a time. met up with a good friend from childhood--haven't seen her for years. yet it was so natural and delightful even.

had some restorative and confusion-quenching conversation in the evening. thankful for the people who engaged in my hard questions and chose to show me love through that, and what they had to say.

I think I experienced God yesterday. in a sobering way. no emotion on steroids or the like. possibly an indicator of spiritual or faith-related maturation? but if not, then I welcome it as just another way to experience God.

wanted to let you know, ... that... I still love you, Savior of the world.

God ordains the ends,
and the means.


or so i hear.

when's the last time you were disappointed with God?

...mine was today.

How sweet the sound

for a while now I've been struggling with the concept of having lost my innocence, or youthfulness, so to speak. the label of being innocent & pure has been thrown around a lot at me in my development and it ironically enough brings me a sort of guilty feeling now. I didn't think I could maintain that label authentically as the years continued... and being pure in the sight of the Father in Heaven became a frequent prayer of mine. so reading today's devotional at Utmost for His Highest (rbc.org/utmost) was a step towards freedom from this binding fear of never being clean enough, pure enough to be in God's presence--and to be intimate with Him.

"The pure man or woman is the one who is shielded from harm, not the innocent person. The so-called innocent man or woman is never safe. Men and women have no business trying to be innocent; God demands that they be pure and virtuous."

though I find I am still chewing on the passage above, I am marked by thankfulness that God would encourage me so. Praise be to the Father: my Teacher, my Defender, and my Provider in all things good.

a few highlights from my journal,

have the wisdom to see beyond the moment--like Jesus, who, for the joy set before him endured the cross.

a prayer: hide me behind the cross.

be prepared for the fact that people sin big--even christians. and decide in advance how you are going to respond.

what is more helpful in bringing transformation?

reading and absorbing the contents of scripture makes it easier to imitate him.

being in a constant mode of confession and repentance makes us able to accept the grace of God.

Empty time...

not really used to having enough time to be bored. a strange blessing I guess. 6 hours of nothingness at work today, and I'm bored out of my mind. fell asleep at the window, took an "illegal" walk outside to buy some tea, drooled a little on my sleeve, talked on the phone with my mother. went to the bathroom several times. how productive of me... hehe
I've been waiting to read this book Courage & Calling for a long time...and now that I have the time...I won't read it... I fell asleep on it earlier...curious how that works.
just finished one of the two assignments for my summer course which is pretty liberating... one more to go, due june 20 something... oh God, I need to do well on these assignments...! please help a student out~

things to be thankful for:

• paycheck.
• nice managers
• Sunday tomorrow
  
• clean laundry
• jasmine tea
• the calm
• mother

hello, converse! these are way prettier than the tretorn sneakers I was coveting some posts back. look how it curves up in the front instead of being completely level? I want youu. maybe I will treat myself with my next paycheck.

things to be thankful for

• the heavy rain which emptied the streets, inviting sweet moments of solitude with God
• a new mug that a friend purchased for me--includes a lid which is perfect for keeping the top of the tea dust free
• a cool evening breeze after a hot and stuffy day
• a vanilla candle perched on my windowsill
• [more] fresh flowers
• index cards full of reminders such as: "I like the smell of coffee more than consuming it." "be people who keep the law, but rise above the law" "snack (nuts)" "check out park in fenway" "go to library and read about pedagogy, history, biographies. rep all cellists should know."
• sunday sabbath and much needed rest.